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black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male

Posted: Oct 16, 2025 - 7:27am
Woody Allen talking about Diane Keatonâs fear of death, he said: If you ever had a colonoscopyâ¦you get an injection and you are out, its black, peaceful and its niceâ¦so death is like a colonoscopy. The problem is life is like the prep day.

DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male

Posted: Jul 12, 2014 - 12:29pm

During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."

Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.
They took him to their headquarters and the French
General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked,
"Why do you British officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets
for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the
General that the reason British officers wear red coats is
so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show,

…and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that’s why, from that day forward,

all French Army officers have worn brown pants ….

lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female

Posted: Jun 3, 2014 - 2:40pm

black321 wrote:

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5.. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!”

black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male

Posted: Jun 3, 2014 - 1:08pm

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5.. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!”

FourFortyEight

FourFortyEight Avatar

Location: The Dirty South
Gender: Male

Posted: May 23, 2014 - 11:46am
Why did the zoophile cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in a chicken.

black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male

Posted: May 22, 2014 - 12:34pm

On a bitterly cold winter morning, a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they were eating breakfast again when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they were again having breakfast when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

pattyw143

pattyw143 Avatar

Location: right where I am suppose to be
Gender: Female

Posted: Apr 3, 2014 - 1:03pm

Bazza wanted to buy a motorcycle He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it... and asks the seller how he
kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain', and he hands... Bazza a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Shazza, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Shazza stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. 'No problem,' he says… And in they go. Bazza is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Bazza decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Shazza. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and takes her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Bazza grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her knickers, and turns her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm, & Bazza sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Bazza remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. I'll do the dishes!! See More

mzpro5

mzpro5 Avatar

Location: Budda'spet, Hungry
Gender: Male

Posted: Jun 15, 2012 - 5:31am
meower wrote: stole it As did I.

hippiechick

hippiechick Avatar

Location: topsy turvy land
Gender: Female

Posted: Jun 15, 2012 - 5:07am

black321 wrote:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men ofJewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the SouthernRedneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Funny joke, but as a Jewish woman, I can attest that Jewish men make lousy lovers. They think every woman is their mother!

meower

meower Avatar

Location: i believe, i believe, it's silly, but I believe
Gender: Female

Posted: Jun 15, 2012 - 5:02am

mzpro5 wrote:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian,
a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...

Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

stole it

mzpro5

mzpro5 Avatar

Location: Budda'spet, Hungry
Gender: Male

Posted: Jun 15, 2012 - 4:25am

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian,
a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...

Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maÃ®tre d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female

Posted: Jun 12, 2012 - 10:45am

black321 wrote:

black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male

Posted: Jun 12, 2012 - 7:59am

hippiechick

hippiechick Avatar

Location: topsy turvy land
Gender: Female

Posted: Jun 11, 2012 - 4:52pm

black321 wrote:

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 100 litres of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 10 litres. So
he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 100 litres of milk. Did
you mean 10 litres?"
The blonde said, "I want 100 litres. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look
young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face"

that's a pretty dumb joke!

black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male

Posted: Jun 11, 2012 - 1:23pm

Beez

Location: Lookout Mountain, Alabama
Gender: Female

Posted: May 30, 2012 - 9:47am
cc_rider wrote: Yes I do. I love Readers Digest.

Beez

Location: Lookout Mountain, Alabama
Gender: Female

Posted: May 30, 2012 - 9:45am
cc_rider wrote: Beez came home one evening to find her hubby on the couch watching TV, surfing back and forth between a fishing show and an, uh, erotic movie. When she came in, he quickly switched it back to the fishing show. She said "you might as well put it back on the other channel. You already know how to fish." That joke was in Reader's Digest. No kidding.

cc_rider

cc_rider Avatar

Location: Bastrop
Gender: Male

Posted: May 30, 2012 - 9:35am
hippiechick wrote: My daughter used to sit on the potty and read Reader's Digest when she was 2. I'm not kidding, she could read at age 2! My sister was like that. The nursery-school teacher thought she was faking, until she put a new book in front of her. Funny.

hippiechick

hippiechick Avatar

Location: topsy turvy land
Gender: Female

Posted: May 30, 2012 - 9:29am
cc_rider wrote: Yes I do. My daughter used to sit on the potty and read Reader's Digest when she was 2. I'm not kidding, she could read at age 2!

ScottN

ScottN Avatar

Location: Half inch above the K/T boundary
Gender: Male

Posted: May 30, 2012 - 9:17am
oldslabsides wrote: why don't snakes bite lawyers? professional courtesy. Oldy but goody. You can also substitute sharks for snakes.

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